“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Is….Is this an option?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…