“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me too
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what