Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Name another movie that mislead you?

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.