I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.