Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.