I love the honesty
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Only short people can save us
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
By Kate Hatos
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”