I love the honesty
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods