Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually