Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.