Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.