Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

🤣😂🤣

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!