I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
🤔😂😂
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…