I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Check your privilege
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most