I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Krampus.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.