I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out