Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

Okay this one takes it home

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.