I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
absolute chaos
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps