I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
They’re not wrong
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.