I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Dietest Coke
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Beards are a privilege, not a right
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*