I love the National Park Service.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Cha-ching is my safe word
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER