I love the National Park Service.
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There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Nice try, NASA
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh