I love the National Park Service.
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Dune (2021)
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far