Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend