Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

The booster protects against what, now?

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.