Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Saw online –