I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Tuesday
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret