I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
money maker
🐶😂
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat