Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

The funk soul brother

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two