I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain