I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs