I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
You Might Also Like
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Shark week, but for squirrels.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?