Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Hank is one in a melon.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year