I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen