Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

You are what you delete.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

I know this now 😂

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?