Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.