I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The days of good grammer has went
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.