I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Grandpa
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches