Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

*3.5 thank you very much.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck