I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Did my cat write this