I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
boat question
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR