Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!