Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.