Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

My last name is Zilla.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”