I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Matt Goss
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise