I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
So, can we agree on 4 or
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Breaking news:
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw