I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.