Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I told my vodka about you.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*