I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You Might Also Like
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Quadruple digit IQ
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You can’t outrun your problems…
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.