I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
umm…
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.