I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
What about second breakfast?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
you’re so productive for your wage
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right