I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Always the vampires
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”