Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs