I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
meanwhile over on facebook
Happens to everyone.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.