Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.