Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

The game has officially changed 😎

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.