Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.