I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.