I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
You Might Also Like
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking