I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Body by sandwich.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.