I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
#winning
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.