I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
quarantine day 3
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them