I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
not to brag, but mine was free
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches