I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees