Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.