Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.