I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
when someone rings the doorbell
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here