I love this❤️😁👍
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them