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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
<- sleeps well with others
Catercrombie & Fish
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
This was the best day of my life
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired