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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Ummm
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”