Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?