I love this❤️😁👍
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
welp
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES