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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I feel attacked.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
WTF
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
What number SPF blocks people?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.