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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)